Why.

Why am I starting this blog? For most that know me really well - they'll see this and think, "Oh, just another one of her fly by night ideas...." And honestly I'm too scared to even tell many people about this blog for fear that I'll fail. Then it'll just be another failed attempt to lose weight. How many have there been? God...hundreds. I usually feel like I am completely incapable of losing weight. I don't know why...(See below), but I'm sure it has something to do with self-worth. My self-esteem has always been low and I've acted on that in different ways in the past, some more self-destructive than others, but currently, the food addiction, overeating, etc is out of control and I've never felt more unworthy of doing this for myself.

This is so silly. I have the perfect life. I have a husband I am so completely in love with its sickening. I have the children I've always wanted - two amazing, beautiful, perfect babies. I have a job that I can't believe I get paid to do...so why do I sabotage myself with the food part?

On a recent trip to Barnes and Noble I found a book called "The 4 Day Diet." I flipped through it and just somehow decided that was what I wanted to do. Now keep in mind, I've tried EVERY diet. Literally. Weight Watchers. Jenny Craig. Phen/Fen. Metabolic Research. The Biggest Loser. South Beach. Atkins. Mayo Clinic. That crazy four day diet where you just eat beets and hot dogs. Cabbage Soup Diet. You name it, I've done it. So I feel like this is just my latest attempt. I am going to try so so hard to not let myself have the self-fulfilling prophecy that it will be my latest failure. I feel like sometimes I sabotage myself that way, but I'm going to try so hard not to.

So here we go. The book starts with a bunch of mental stuff - to get your head right before you start the diet. It wants me to answer a few questions - so here they are:

1. Why are you overweight?
Ah...The $20,000 question. Simple answer - because I love to eat. As a child (and I hate to blame my issues on my childhood - so cliche), I was always on a diet, or being made cognizant of what I was eating. Not in a good way, like, "Oh, Vegetables are so good for you!" but more like, "Chocolate is so bad for you." "That's so fattening." "That food is BAD." So I somehow, despite having everything else I ever wanted, felt deprived of food I wanted. Anytime I was eating out from under the eyes of my mother, I would go to town and eat ANYTHING in site. She would leave the house to go walk and I'd chow through the food cupboard for ANYTHING I could find...chocolate chips, peanut butter, anything that wasn't "good for me." Once I could drive it got worse. Anytime I'd leave the house, I'd stop and get food. EVERYTIME. I'd drive to school, stop at Walgreens and get a pound back of Peanut M&M's that would be gone by the end of the day. I'd by Little Debbie Swiss Rolls and eat three packages. It's sickening, binge eating behavior...but I somehow felt that if I didn't eat it while I could, I wouldn't ever get it. Hence the unhealthy food behavior began. So now, I think that I'm scared to death if I don't eat what I want, when I want it, I'll be hungry and feel deprived. Eating to me, is exhilarating. Sometimes I think I literally get high off of eating. I love love love to eat, but I have no control. I don't know if I'm an emotional eater. I don't think so, because I eat no matter my mood. Happy, angry, sad...I eat. I want to be able to think of food as just an everyday need to survive, not the center of my life. I want food to be a non-thought for me. Everything I do revolves around food. Every social event, many thoughts, nights out, etc. I am truly addicted to food, and I have to get out of the mindset that not eating what I want isn't a punishment or a deprivation. How I get there? I don't know.

2. Why have previous weight loss efforts failed?
I've had weight loss success in the past. I think the longest I've gone is 2 months? Then something will happen...I'll go out and drink. I'll have a meal that's not "on plan." I'll have a holiday. Whatever I can find as an excuse I take it and just go off the rails. I recently lost 15 pounds on WW after having the babies and when the program changed and we hit Thanksgiving, I gained it back with interest. I don't know why. I guess I sabotage myself? I think that once I "ruin" the diet, there's no turning back. As with many things I do, I'm either black or white - I need to find a grey area.

3. How does your weight influence your self-esteem/self-image?
A lot. I think I'm disgusting. I can't imagine why my husband is still attracted to me. I see fat rolls, double chins, huge thighs and want to throw up...but clearly not enough to actually lose weight. I think it's that lack of self-esteem that makes it hard for me to lose weight. I think that deep down I don't think I'm worth it. I am not worth the effort to work hard to lose the weight. And I work hard at things I love! My job. Tennis. My relationships. But when it comes to me and my weight, I guess I don't. When I'm feeling "fat" I don't want to do anything. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to go out with friends. I want to eat. When I lose weight and I'm feeling thinner, I get very social...so I think there's a very direct correlation.

4. What are your strengths in sticking to a weight loss program?
Um. None? Honestly I don't know. The few sucesses (however temporary they've been), have been just that..temporary. In my mind I am a dieting failure...so really I don't know that I have any stregths. I guess if I HAD to pick one I'm a pretty active person, so the exercise component is not hard for me.

5. What are your weaknesses in sticking to a WL program?
Um, everything else? Seriously...it's the eating part. The food. I have zero willpower, sero control, which sounds so stupid. I'm 33 years old for christ's sake. They say that "nothing tastes as good as thin feels..." I wouldn't know - I've never been thin, but in my mind, that's not true. Food is amazing and I can't deprive myself. Stupid. Then this goes back to my self-worth. How retarded is this? It's like a child's mentality. A child would not be able to stop doing something because they don't want to - not a 33 year old. Why is it that it is better to eat large fries from McDonalds than to get fit and thin?

6. Without weighing yourself or looking at a BMI chart, how many pounds are you away from your goal weight?
100 pounds.
Easily.

Ok, now I have to answer MORE questions...this is where it gets ugly.

7. What is your current BMI?
(I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks, but I'm going to estimate since I don't have a scale on my right now)
Gulp. 42. That's in the Obese category. By a lot.

8. What is a healthy weight for your height?
124-155.

9. What are your bad habits when it comes to exercising/eating right?
Ok this is getting redundant. Do I really need to answer this?

10. What are your good habits?
Again - really?

11. When was the last time you were at a weight you were happy with?
The summer of 2002. I was thin enough - and so happy with the way I looked. I saw Stewart, went to Europe with my brother...it was a good time.

Ok - That's it for now. I'll continue to read the book and post as necessary.